The setting: The Lair Legion Kitchen. Three premier members of Earth’s Most Peculiar super team are crowded around the counter to witness a matter of gravest import.
CrazySugarFreakBoy!: … then you just apply the powder… like so…
Al B Harper: You know, when we were was told we were going to witness a matter of gravest import this isn’t what I expected.
CSFB!: ….aaand then fold it up between her legs…..
Visionary: I’d also like to point out some of us eat on this table.
CSFB!: …. Fasten the pins, and there you go: one properly changed diaper done in a bikini twist; eco-friendly so as to not offend Mother Earth.
Iris Paintbrush Sunrise: *gurgles happily*
Al B: That’s great, Dream. Now, why did we have to watch this again?
CSFB!, picking up his infant daughter: Well, since you and Vizh were denied the chance to experience this particular joy of fatherhood yourselves, because of the machinations of a couple of real, pardon my French, unt-kays, I figured I’d treat you both to ringside seats.
Vizh, eyeing wadded up overflowing soon to be laundered cloth diaper on edge of the table warily: Well, thanks.
CrazySugarFreakBoy!: Don’t mention it. Us sort of single fathers have to stick together.
Mr. Epitome, dressed in tie and sports coat, walks in and starts rummaging through the pantry: Do we have any marjoram? Kat called, she needs it for her roux.
Al B: What’s marjoram?
Visionary: What’s roux?
Iris: *gurgles*
CSFB!, smiling knowingly: Oh, yeah. April told me today’s the big day. You get to meet Katarina’s father. *chuckles* Good luck.
Epitome, still rummaging and without looking over his shoulder: Hrm. Some of us eat on that table, you know.
CrazySugarFreakBoy!: Hey, I got an idea! There are three fathers right here, making this a perfect opportunity to rehearse your spiel for Sergeant Allen. Whatdya say?
Epitome: I say forg- hey!
CSFB!, handing Iris off to the flummoxed Paragon of Power and adopting a southern drawl: You’re the maggot who wants to take my only daughter away from me? B*******! Tell me, sweetheart, did your parents have any children that lived?
Mr. Epitome: Foxglove-
Iris, playing with Dom’s necktie: Ahbadah!
CSFB!, still channeling R Lee Ermey: You’re so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece!
Epitome, pinching the bridge of his nose: Foxglove-
CSFB!: What is your major malfunction, numbnuts? I am the m*****-f****** Shore Patrol! Give this man a beer!
Al B. Harper: Dream, you’ve switched movies.
Visionary: And service branches.
Epitome: ……
CSFB!, on a roll: Rommel, you magnificent b******, I read your book! I, I, uh, anyone else have anything to add?
Mr. Epitome, hastily returning Iris to her parent: Yes. Believe me, all of you, I do not need to rehearse any spiel to impress Sergeant Allen. I have never had any difficulty getting along with people’s fathers (gives Visionary a sideways sneer). Or mothers.
Vizh, reddening: Yeah, well, you might want to be careful about making proclamations like that. The Parodyverse has a way of making people pay for them.
Al B: Vizh is correct. Spelling’s Law of Narrative Dynamics states that the more dismissive the subject is towards the probability of a situation developing into a cliché, the more likely it is for the potential cliché to materialize. In fact (does some ciphering on the table cloth), I would estimate that your chances of encountering the aforementioned contrived scenario has increased by a factor of 17.46.
Epitome, eyes narrowing: What?
CSFB!, grinning madly: He saying you’re going to screw up your dinner with Kat and her dad because you’re being such a smug sumb**** about it.
Al B.: To use a layman’s terminology, yes.
Mr. Epitome, opening his mouth to protest, then quickly shutting it: I’m late (stomps off).
CrazySugarFreakBoy!, clapping Vizh on the shoulder appreciatively: Way to put the whammy on old Buttface, dude. I didn’t think you had it in you.
Visionary, blinking: Wait. What? I was just offering him some friendly advice, that’s all. OK, maybe not friendly…..
CSFB!: Just the same, you might not want to be around when he comes back. How’d you feel about investigating an abandoned supervillain’s lair with Citizen Z?
Visionary, considering what possible contrived scenarios awaited him: Uh, sure. How bad could it, ah-, d***.
To Be Continued Tommorrow!
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